Let’s be honest, there are a lot of mythical creatures walking around in the GoneGod World. Some of them are painfully obvious, standing out in ways that make sore thumbs positively innocuous. Sure, sore thumbs stand out, but they pale in comparison to extra appendices, wings, claws and, either massive or minuscule, size.
There’s no mistaking an angel with their dove-like wings, an ogre with their tusk filled jaws or a phoenix with their fiery (as in literally on fire) bodies.
But what about the mythical creatures that are harder to identify … the ones that you need to do a double-take just to be sure?
Cover those ears and an elf is just a Tom Cruise-level looking dude.
From the waist up a centaur is just the cover model to a Harlequin novel.
And that babe whose too good to be true might just be a succubus sucking you of your life-force by … ahh … well, you get it.
Then things get even more complicated when you add in magic. Illusionary … or rather, delusionary magic can convince any casual onlooker that they’re human, when they’re, well, not.
Gnomes are one such creature that could be human, but then again, really aren’t.
And given that the little tinker-wizards hate outsiders and hate being an outsider even more, it is common for gnomes to cast a wee spell on themselves just to fit in.
The following will help you decide if your neighbor is a gnome or just a short, hairy human.
So let’s play a round of ‘Are they or are they not human?’ and get to the bottom of this once and for all …
1 - Gnomes like being underground. And the deeper the better. Their philosophy is, ‘Who needs light to brighten your day, when the dark hides everything you probably don’t want to be looking at anyway?’ But make no mistake, just because they like to be underground, doesn’t mean they like to be inside. Gnomes love caves, underground caverns, subterranean rivers … in other words, they love nature. Sunless nature, sure, but nature nonetheless. So if the person in question spelunks on the weekend and lives in a basement, despite several above ground apartments being available, then they might be a gnome.
BONUS: If they own a pet mole and their best friend is a morlock, then they’re definitely a gnome.
2 - Gnomes are basically blind. OK, that’s not true, they can see in the dark but it’s more of a ‘sixth sense’ kind of sight. In the light, they need glasses. And not just glasses, but glasses upon glasses. So if your co-worker is tripling up on the reading glasses and has a magnifying glass in hand, chances are they are a gnome.
BONUS: If their glasses are literally two coke bottles strapped together, they’re most certainly a gnome.
3 - Gnomes own bespoke screwdrivers. And I’m not talking about the fancy screwdrivers you can get at a vintage store or some high-end haberdashery. I’m talking one-of-a-kind screwdrivers that were specifically designed for screw heads that only exist in their home. Gnomes are tinkers of the Nth degree … or rather GNth degree … and bespoke tools are kind of their thing.
BONUS: If your buddy has a bespoke Adjustable Wood Hole Saw Circle Cutter Drill Bit Kit Wood Working Twist Hole in their basement apartment, then they’re definitely a gnome … Scratch that: If they not only know what an Adjustable Wood Hole Saw Circle Cutter Drill Bit Kit Wood Working Twist Hole is, but can also give you a twenty minute lecture on the history of the device, then they’re a gnome supreme.
4 - Gnomes figgin’ love darts. They can’t get enough of them. They’re constantly spending their day throwing those little needles at random targets and keeping score. So if they have gold, silver, platinum and obsidian darts with their name engraved on them, then they might be a gnome.
BONUS: If your date insists on playing darts and pulls out their own set ... well, then, alarm bells should be ringing. But if that set comes with several elixirs labelled with words like, “Sleep”, “Paralyse”, “Charm”, etc.,... then your date is most certainly, undeniably a gnome.
5 - Gnomes are loyal to a fault. As in ridiculously so ...
BONUS: If your friend’s reaction to you coming over and saying, “I need your help slaying a dragon,” is to grab their bag of darts, then, sir or madam, that person is a gnome … and a friend to the end.
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