Finding your soulmate is tough. But sometimes the perfect mate is someone dismissed out of hand simply because they’re a different species. Sure, cuddling with a porcupine might be tough, but love is an endless supply of bandaids.
And as for ogres … well, they get a bad rap, but why? In this article we explore the pros to marrying the beast with that huge nose.
So put aside your prejudices and open your hearts to an ogre. Happiness might just be one green brute away:
1. If sensitivity isn’t your thing: In this modern world of safe-spaces, validated feeling and participation trophies, you have to be in touch with your feelings to fit in. But what if that’s hard for you? Marry an ogre. A true ogre will never insist you sit up all night exploring your feelings, never get angry because you forgot an anniversary or demand you play videogames with them. They won’t even ask about your day. So if feelings aren’t your thing, then an ogre just might be.
2. They won’t care about the mess: Laundry everywhere, dirty dishes and capless toothpaste are just a few of the messes an ogre wouldn’t care about. If you’re messy and don’t care, then marrying one of these green giants just might be the mate you need.
3. And as for the smell: With a mess comes the smell and ogres live by one philosophy – the smellier it is, the better.
4. Never worry about pickle jars again: Ogres are strong and there isn’t a pickle jar on this planet that they can’t handle. So line up that dill, stock those Polish Gherkins, and get ready to feast.
5. Like meat? So do ogres. So much so that any flesh based creature is fair game. So if you’re curious what lion meat tastes like or have no qualms with cannibalism, then sous-chefing with an ogre might just be for you.
6. Your neighbors will never complain about anything, ever: You like to party in the wee hours of the night. Go for it. You like to blast Metallica at full volume. The louder the better. Inspired by Whiplash but got no rhythm. No worries—bang at those drums until you bleed. Your neighbors will never complain. Not when they risk an ogre answering the door.
7. And speaking of noise: Ogres are into being loud. War cries and battle drums are their thing. So if Slayer is your Barry White and the haka is pre-coitus foreplay, then look no further. An ogre might just be the perfect lover for you.
8. In a world filled with ogres, the apocalypse is probably not far behind: At the end of the world, an ogre mate is a good idea. After all, when we digress into the inevitable pillaging, raiding and killing, who do you want by your side? The weekend warrior who finished Tough Mudder … or an actual tough mudderf***er.
9. Everything on them is big: need I say more? Whether your thing is boobs, gonads or both, they got you covered.
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